My Husband Hugh, Night 14, Critical condition, Excellent News!!!!

Today has been 2 weeks since the accident and today we hit the biggest milestone. Mom and I walked in today to his room and he had no breathing tube in. His nurse knew we were on our way so it was a surprise. Mom and I started sobbing with joy. Hugh was awake and reached out to me with his good arm and I was able to kiss him. We noticed he didn't have his feeding tube in and we were told he removed it himself....oops. The nurse called the doctor and the doctor said to do a swallow test tomorrow to see if he can tolerate swallowing on his own. Apparently he will have his surgery probably later in the week on his pelvis and knee.

I have been crying tears of joy all day long. I am now confident that he is going to be OK. We have a VERY long road ahead, and this I realize. I'll take today and run with it! THANK GOD!

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Dear Hugh,
Darling, as I write this, it's been 2 weeks to the day since I have spoke with you physically. The pain is no longer there in my heart. Today, you even "laughed" a "smile" on your face when I told Greg you took out your feeding tube, almost like you were proud of yourself for doing so! You reached out to me with your good arm, and I got to kiss on you. Do you remember this? I cried, no, sobbed in your face and told you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. You just looked at me with those beautiful crystal blue eyes of yours, and reassured me. I could feel it darling.

I told you I would bring the portable DVD player, and some DVD's up and we'll watch a movie together. I didn't realize the nurse was behind me when I whispered in your ear that I would sneak in some chocolate for you, you smiled, and she said "no you won't". That was so funny we all laughed, well, you didn't, you just smiled. You are trying to talk but it comes out really gruff and mumbled.

Samantha thought you were so funny that she got so tickled because you were acting so kind of goofy. It's the good drugs you are on darling.

Ohhh, what a day! It's the best day I've had in a long time. I'm on cloud nine and didn't even have to take but one Atavan this morning.

I can't wait to get up to be at the hospital to spend the day with you. I love you so much it just hurts me so much that I had to leave you. You looked at me when I was crying telling you this saying goodbye, and do you remember this? You said "I understand" then you said "be careful". Well, I think this is what you said.

I love you my darling Hugh.

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My husband Hugh, Night #13, Critical Condition GREAT NEWS, Stabilizing!

Hugh breathed on his own ALL DAY. He still is connected to the breathing machine/tube, and they are not removing that until after his surgery this week only because it's too traumatic to remove, put back in for surgery, remove etc. As far as the surgery goes (to finish the pelvis and his knee), I am sure I'll know more tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest.

Fever is 101.5 all day, and night. This doesn't worry me. It has to do with all his broken bones, and pneumonia. They did add/change another antibiotic today as well. They put him back on the Versed (the heavy sedative) because he was VERY agitated all morning and early afternoon. Flailing his good arm, and trying to lift up. This is very hard for me to see. I just cannot imagine what he is thinking, feeling, and must feel "trapped" and just breaks my heart. 

I did feel much more at ease leaving the hospital, and in fact, this is the first night I haven't cried on the way home. As I type this, I am so relaxed.

When my angel Melissa called (like she always does) to check in on me this afternoon, I told her the good news. She started sobbing tears of joy. God bless her, I love her so much.

Anyhow, I'm home, going to make a few calls to my other Angels, and finish this post and will sleep peacefully I'm sure. I even let Samantha spend the night with her girlfriends!

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My sweetheart Hugh,
I'm so proud of you! You breathed all day on your own. I just want those damn tubes out so I can hear your beautiful voice. I keep telling the pretty nurses wait until they hear your English accent. You would be blushing, I know. Anyhow, darling, I have a smile on my face and I got through another dreary, depressing weekend at the hospital. I hate the hospital on the weekends. It's horribly depressing for some reason. 

I can't wait until the day comes when I can start sharing all the wonderful things that my Angels, my friends, my family have done for you, Samantha and me. 

I was in your room tonight, with the BEST view in the whole hospital (the nurses told me your room was the best to see the skyline) to watch the firework over the Queen Mary and downtown Long Beach. I talked to you while you laid there sleeping peacefully and explained each one to you. ALL the ICU nurses came in and gathered behind me while I was sobbing watching the fireworks, and let me cry while we all shared watching them together in your dark room. It was very bittersweet for me. But I would be no other place then be in your room with you sweetheart and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I was invited to go elsewhere, but there was no way in hell I would not watch them without you darling. 

Hugh, my heart is aching, even though I am a little more at peace tonight. My heart aches for you, to be near you, to lay with you, to share with you. Even though you play your computer games most nights, just knowing you are in the next room was enough, then to share our bed. I miss this so much darling. Goodnight my sweetheart, I pray you have a peaceful night as you were when I left you tonight. Please Hugh, hurry up and get better. I need you so much, I love you so much. 

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My husband Hugh, night #12, Critical Condition.

Today was a repeat of yesterday. Breathed on his own for 2 hours, but got distressed and and had to stop. Temperature 100 to 101. Hugh had his eyes open more today as they completely took of the Versed (the heavy sedative *amnesia* like medicine). He was very despondent and kept looking off in to "space". I got a few head shakes out of him when I asked him questions, but not as many as I hoped.

Tomorrow, same thing, do the weaning, hopefully it will be longer then 2 hours and now that the Versed will be out of his system for like 24 hours, maybe just maybe he'll be more respondant. Is that a word? I don't know, I don't care.

I had a real crappy day with the "feeling sorry for myself" stuff. Something about the weekends aren't as uplifting as during the week. It was downright depressing day. The hospital lobby even has a certain feel to it that I don't like.

My tummy hurts, thinking stress now. I don't know. I'm so tired. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until all this is over with. I will try to focus on the positives like the little baby steps that are happening towards his recovery, etc. I am SO BLESSED TO HAVE MY ANGELS, MY FRIENDS, AND MY FAMILY and this I know.

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Sweetheart Hugh,
You looked at me with your crystal blue eyes and even tried to say something to me I think. You were very agitated with me I could tell. I tried to comfort you by standing on the step stool, wrapping my arm around your head and looking deep in your eyes. When I start to cry, I look the other way because I don't want you seeing me cry. I need to show you I am OK and strong. 

I cried the whole way home. I cried when I walked into this damn empty house. I called Sam home from Kenna's and she heard me crying and came home instead of spending the night with Kenna and Amanda. She is home now and I feel better.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I just want to keep curled up all day in bed and not face the day. It's the 4th of July tomorrow and I dread not being able to celebrate it with you. I will be by your side darling. I'm not ready to revel in BBQ's and fireworks without you.

dammit.. I feel like I'm spiraling tonight into a deep one sweety. I need to shake this and get a grip as you would say. I keep telling myself I can't face another night of emptiness and somehow it happens. I will go to bed now, I'm too depressed to visit my friends on Twitter and Facebook. They have been keeping me company these late nights. Please Hugh, I want you back so bad. I am so sad and heartbroken and tears are flowing as I write this. Sam just now came in and wrapped her sweet arms around me as she heard me sobbing. I love you, I need you, I want you home... I am not sure I can endure much more. I love you so much.

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My husband Hugh, night #11, Critical Condition, but hit a big step!!

What a GREAT day! I always call the nurse the minute I wake up to see how Hugh did during the night. She said nothing eventful during the night, however he had his eyes open most the morning. They were reducing his Versed (the amnesia) meds to arouse him some to see if would be able to handle the weaning process. I couldn't wait to get up to the hospital.

As usual, my morning was soooo filled with tons of phone calls, and busy work at home. Mom picked me up as usual, and we arrived at his room around noon. I walked in and he turned his head and looked straight at me!!! OH MY GOD, I about died. I rushed over and he was very agitated, however he could focus in on me a bit. I got a few shakes of his head (not consistently) when I asked him questions. I learned towards the end he just wanted to be left in peace. I know he didn't want me to to go but he was exhausted, he only wanted me there to hold him, and not make him do commands or shake his head at me. Here is the REALLY GOOD stuff. The nurse told me he had breathed on his own for 2 HOURS earlier that morning! They don't remove the breathing tube to do this, they just turn off the machine or something like that.

His nurse said he would be exhausted from doing that as it's equivalent to say you or me walking jogging 20 miles for the first time without any training etc.

I got to see Dr. Levin, the pulmonary doc. He said their goal is to get those lungs much more healthy so he can have his surgeries next week (finish off his pelvis and the lastest, the left knee). 

He STILL has his fever, today down to 99.9, but when I left tonight, 101.4.

I left tonight as Mom drove me home, like she always does, feeling MUCH MORE AT PEACE, because Hugh was resting and peaceful as they had his Versed back on.

I am even by myself and I'm ok. Sam is with the gang, and that's ok. I want some normalcy in her life even if I don't have it. Of course ALL my angels have contacted me today, and even if they aren't with me physically, they are with my mentally and around my neck on a necklace. Memphis is next to me as I type this, and that is comforting. He misses his Daddy so much :(

Hugh,
Oh sweetheart! What a milestone day for you. I am so proud of you. You breathed on your own for 2 hours. I am so happy and this gives me so much hope. When I walked in your room your icy blue eyes is all I could see and it melted my heart darling. I still know we have a longggggggggggggggggggg way ahead of us, but it's the little baby steps that is going to get us there. I decorated your room today with a posterboard of pictures of all of us. It's not much but at least it will cheer the room up a bit. I tried so hard to cuddle with you tonight, you were so hot, and I was trying to comfort you by cooling your head down with cool clothes. You were sleeping peacefully sweety. 

I tried to get up on the step stool next to your bed and lay across your tummy, but I was afraid I would hurt your broken ribs. I just laid my head down on your sweet hand instead. Don't worry sweetheart about me, I'm doing so good. Everyone is making sure of this. Mom is at my constant side from the minute she picks me up until she drops me off at home. I don't know what I would do without her. 

 I love you, I need you and I miss you so terribly. I want you home so badly that is kills me. I have been playing Queen constantly because that is our favorite band and I find so much comfort from this. Goodnight sweetheart, until tomorrow. 
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My husband Hugh, night #10, still in critical condition

Ok, tonight is my most draining night. Not sure why. Could be the Atavan I'm now taking? I don't know. I'm taking the lowest possible dose and cutting that in 1/2. Yeah, I'm a lightweight. It totally relaxes me though.

Hugh did not start the weaning process of the breathing machine. He's just not ready for it. I hope maybe tomorrow? Who knows. His fever was up, then down when I left there at 9:00 pm down to 99.8.

An infectious disease doctor did come in to see him. She said she is trying to fight a bacterial infection in his lungs. I know he has pneumonia, so I assumed that was the pneumonia. Whatever. Anyhow, now, she asked me if I know for sure he's allergic to Penicillin. HUH? In my 11 years of marriage this was the first time I had heard of him being allergic. Apparently he said something to them in the trauma unit the first day of his accident before being intubated. I guess the antibiotics they want to use is from the Penicillin family so hell, I don't know.

Hugh was more relaxed today and tonight and not nearly as agitated as yesterday. That brought me some peace. However, when I left the hospital, I was able to step on a step stool, lean over him, and hold his head, and cuddle his face and love on him for a bit. It was very emotional for me and this 10th night was the hardest for me to leave him.

I pray tomorrow he can start the weaning process of the breathing machine.

Hugh,
Each night I leave you, it gets harder and harder. It's not like you are on vacation, and I'm coming home to an empty house without you, because at least with that, I know you'll be home eventually in a few days. It's leaving you, afraid you will wake up and not find me there and this breaks my heart my darling. I don't know when you will be back home. This is the most horrible time for me (during the time I get home from the hospital until I go to bed) and the sleeping pills kick in. Until then, I sit at my computer keeping my mind busy pouring my heart out to you. Sweety, tonight I cried at your bedside and couldn't help it. I try to be strong, so you not hear me. I don't know if you heard me tonight, but I couldn't stop sobbing. Papa was standing behind me, trying to console me. Hugh, I wanted so bad to crawl up in that hospital bed to comfort you, hold you, kiss you goodnight and tell you it was going to be ok. I just wish you were home to do the same for me, I just want you to tell me it's going to be ok, to hold me, to kiss me, and comfort.


Please sweety, hurry and get better, please, please please... I just can't bare this much longer.

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