My Husband Hugh, Night #20. OUT of CCU, In Ortho Ward

I cannot believe tomorrow, will be 3 WEEKS since the worst day of our lives happened. HUGE MILESTONE TODAY. He is officially moved into his room on the orthopedic floor and OUT of ICU/CCU. I'm bittersweet about this. He's not getting the 1 on 1 care like he got in CCU, and it's 5 to 1 care now. Meaning 5 patients to 1 nurse. He cannot even push the buttons on the controls, how the hell is he going to call the nurse if he needs her. I was rest assured they check on each patient hourly, regardless. Well, you know how that goes. I'm being Debbie Downer right now, but until I know he's not so confused, and has his fine motor skills back, I won't be able to relax.

He is now on Norco by mouth. His nurse said IF that doesn't help with the pain, she will call the doctor. Ok, so, he's been on Fentanyl for 3 weeks, and BAM, take him off it, and not slowly weened him like I thought they were going to. Maybe they did, but he is having what I think are bad withdrawals. He is hot, cold, hot, cold, other unmentionable symptoms.

I am just so very unsettled, I know this will pass with time, until I know he gets his motor skills back. Remember, he is relying 100% on the nurses to have a BM, pain control, comfort control, too cold or too hot, as he is 100% immobilized except for his left arm, which is about 75% out of whack, and no motor skills. THINK OF IT AS HAVING WHOLE BODY PARALYSIS, BUT HAVING ONLY ABOUT 25% USE OF ONLY YOUR LEFT ARM. :( I know, you are probably thinking, "Shelley, get a grip, he's alive, he's out of CCU" but the damn reality of it is, HE IS LIVING THIS NIGHTMARE and you are not. Can you tell I'm upset? I think I'm finally cracking a bit. I don't know.

Dear Hugh,
I am rejoicing that you are OUT of CCU, but was soooooooooo scared to leave you tonight, as you are at the mercy of your nurses for 100% of everything. You told me you were going to be ok, I know you were just saying that so I wouldn't worry. When I started the crying, your sweet nurse was so nice to me and hugged me. I saw the worry in your face and I'm sorry I worried you. Honey, it's just I think I'm finally breaking right now, and having a meltdown as I type this. I am going to take an Atavan to calm me.

Your co-worker Bernie saw you today, and brought us a huge bag of fresh fruit. His whole family came as well, but they couldn't come in because of you being in ICU/CCU at the time. It was a very emotional reunion. Papa, Sam, Mom were there today too. Now that you are in a "normal" room, you'll be able to get regular visitors.

You keep saying that you know I love you, because no one would be by their husband's side like this if they didn't. Thank you Hugh for not doubting my love for you. I will be by your side until the day I die sweetheart.

I hope you have a peaceful, rested, pain free night my darling. I miss you, I need you, I love you. I am hurting sweety and need you to comfort me now.
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